Personal Growth · Uncategorized

Apologies

To anyone who reads on, it’s a bit disjointed and I haven’t talked about everything. Or looked at myself or what I did that was wrong.

There is only one way to handle that situation. Those people don’t change, don’t learn, don’t grow. End it as soon as you know.

Anyways I’m a bit preoccupied with my gf at the moment. I feel like I love her. Not heaps, just a little. Ok, maybe heaps. The start of something very different. And that scares me because I’ve never really liked anyone I’ve met straight away.

Don’t tell her, she doesn’t know. Haha and if she wants to read the blog again I’ll delete this!!

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Art & Craft

Magnetic Blackboard

Ok so I have recruited Chrissy to be my assistant in this one. Projects are much more fun when they’re shared, and she gets one too!

The idea:

Create a planner, with:

  1. Shopping lists
  2. Things to do
  3. Appointments
  4. Running debt balance
  5. Area for bills.
  6. Running savings balance
  7. Cool photos of family

All for managing break in a more colourful visual way. Sound like Mind Mapping anyone?

Off to do some sketches!!

I want to create temporary dividers that don’t get rubbed off when cleaning. Options:

  1. Hairspray over chalk lines
  2. PVA under paint lines
  3. White magnetic strips

Tools:

  • Paint brushes
  • Tape measure
  • Masking tape

Consumables:

  • Magnetic undercoat
  • Acrylic paint
  • Non sanded grout
  • Ply board
  • Magnets
  • Photos
Poems

Poo in the Loo

If only cats could poo!
Poo they can. But where?

Should they poo in their box?
Should they poo in your Sox?
Did they poo on your couch?
Did it make you a grouch?
Where then; should they poo?
Why; they should poo in the loo!

You could teach them to flush,
And use the brush!

No silly you couldn't
They only have paws
For opening doors
But you could certainly train them
To poo in the loo
Personal Growth

How to spot a Narcissist?

Ok so I’m no psychologist, but I can compare someone else’s strange behavior to diagnostic criteria. However, as I was so intimately involved with this person I must take it at face value.

Well, my most recent relationship ended poorly.

Haha, no, no it did not. I got everything I wanted and more.

Fate has a strange way of stepping in my life and taking the shit out; every now and again.

Or does it haha the very suggestion of fate, with this entire blog, could suggest a cluster A personality disorder. I will explore that later on.

Ok so,

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

“Personality disorders are a group of conditions that affect people’s thoughts, behaviors and emotions in long-term negative patterns that occur in all areas of life.”

People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) may appear arrogant, with an inflated self-image and disregard for the feelings of others. This disorder can cause socially destructive behaviors that damage relationships.

NPD is part of the cluster of personality disorders with symptoms of intense and unstable emotions and a distorted self-image. It’s a rare disorder, affecting more men than women and is usually evident by early adulthood.

The nature of NPD symptoms means it’s hard for people who suffer from the disorder to realise they have a problem. When you believe you’re better than everyone else, why would you think there’s anything wrong? It is often the family or loved ones who are most aware of this problem and who also suffer the consequences.

However, if left untreated, NPD can affect a person’s work, social and family life. The state of someone’s relationships can be the biggest indicator. Psychotherapy can help people with NPD to understand themselves better, and relate to others more positively. With support and treatment, life can become more enjoyable for people with NPD and their loved ones.

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) can impact all areas of life, since symptoms are present during work and at home. It can be hard for others to tolerate the symptoms of NPD, which can mean the sufferer becomes isolated.

Key symptoms include:

  • Inability to listen to others

    She didn’t know or care about anything to do with me, I would tell her all the time how much i disliked the smell of poo, how much it upset me. She didn’t know anything about any of my interests.

  • Fantasising about power, beauty and success

    Refers to herself as a “Queen”, “Goddess”, “Fashion stylist” with no real idea of the skill or achievements required to use such words without looking like an idiot.

  • Exaggerating achievements and abilities
  • Superiority, specifically towards people perceived as ‘lower’ in status

    Well she managed to scare away three assistant managers

  • Lack of awareness regarding others

    She was the major cause of my anxiety and depression. I asked for help so many times. She just didn’t care.

  • Increased risk of using drugs and alcohol

    Haha she definately has a problem here, she would drink just as much as me and had been known to down a whole Maccas family meal to herself, ya four big burgers and four fries, you don’t get to 150kg without alot of food. Although after her surgery she couldn’t drink alcohol, and she couldn’t eat. But she kept up with her excessive expenditure on clothes, smoking marijuana and renewed her addiction to masturbating with people online. But she’s going to be able to drink to excess again soon

  • Social withdrawal

    This is just wierd i don’t get why but she prefers meaningless friendships with people online and people that believe her lies to meaningfull ones with close friends.

  • Inflated sense of entitlement

    She expected me to cook and clean and plan and pay for everything.

  • Obsession with class and status
  • Exploiting others for personal gain

    Men, specifically has only ever used men for sex and money. Refering to this disgusting behaviour as “Feminism”.

  • Lacking empathy, especially for perceived weaknesses

    No understanding of the hurt she caused me. Or her Ex

  • Strong desire for control over relationships

    Everytime I was happy, she would do something that really hurt me.

  • Envy for those perceived as being of a higher status
  • Inability to admit wrongdoing

    She couldn’t take responsibility for anything, nothing.. ever.

  • Distant, practical manner in regards to personal relationships

    Practical, no. Too covert for that. Black and White is how I would describe it.

  • Believing that others are envious of them

    I didn’t see much of this one

  • Severe anger if orders or directions are not followed by others

    She was angry all the time, I don’t really no what to say about that

  • Can ‘write off’ friends permanently over small or imagined issues

    Imagined somehow that me being upset about cat poo was abuse. And that my excessive drinking was somehow not related to her.

  • Great pride in the accomplishments of children or family
  • Expecting constant praise and recognition for achievements
  • Unrealistic goal setting

    Had no goals of her own. All of her goals are developed around what can get her the most attention at the time. Usually her current goals are orientated around enticing her new supply

  • Difficulty maintaining healthy relationships

    Had no healthy relationships

  • Feeling hurt and rejected easily.

    Courtesy of: www.mindhealthconnect.org.au

 

Histrionic Personality Disorder

Courtesy of: Mayo Clinic

  • Constantly seeking attention
  • Excessively emotional, dramatic or sexually provocative to gain attention
  • Speaks dramatically with strong opinions, but few facts or details to back them up
  • Easily influenced by others
  • Shallow, rapidly changing emotions
  • Excessive concern with physical appearance
  • Thinks relationships with others are closer than they really are

Ooo hard to say after reading that histrionic one, because on this forum the justification for cheating:

  • I like to make my fan club jealous of each other to prove that they love me and give me validation
  • I lie to avoid conflict
  • I go after people I can control
  • I have sex to feel good about myself
  • I get bored easily
  • I get SO mad when I get cheated on
  • I want them to fall in love with me

Ok, so we’ll look at some more specific narcissism stuff here. It hurts looking back on this to think the only good thing I can come up with out of the whole thing; is that it ended.

  • Constantly chatting up people
    • I knew the passwords to their email, Tumblr, Instagram, facebook, viber, and skype. I’d check up on them every few months. Without fail, there was always a sexually inappropriate conversation going on with an ex or a stranger. That hurt, a lot.
  • Doing things I specifically asked not to do; getting cats, playing with herself to get my attention, deliberately painful foreplay.
  • Disregard for how their actions affected me.
    • Buying a pool, ruining my $300 dollar lawn.
  • Saying horrible things about me behind my back
    • To her friends, to my sister.
  • Making up lies about me
    • Drinks every day, gets angry about silly little things all the time
  • Breaking promises
    • I was just telling you what you wanted to hear
  • Refusing basic requests
  • Please pick up your clothes, please pick up your shoes, Please pick up your cat’s poo.
  • Never did anything for me that didn’t also benefit them
  • Only ever cooked and did the washing.
  • Obsessed with makeup, clothing, social media to the point where nothing else was done around the house
  • Excessive need for attention
  • Lack of ability to plan
  • No responsibility
  • No remorse

Courtesy of: Mayo Clinic

The real tell-tale give away, was at the very end. When I was extremely upset, begging for a chance. It was met with a cold uncaring anger. Such that I had never seen from them before. More in-line with their true internal self.

 

Personal Growth

The Run Down

Sorry, have to explain what happened. It makes all future posts easier and gets the negatives out of the way.

Timeline:

2013:

Together for one year before moving to Australia.

Issues:

Just the cheating, multiple ex’s. I asked her to promise me to never contact anyone she’d ever had sex with. Else it was over. Discovered she had a video camera she used to record sex tapes to post online. Told me she’d had 60+ previous sexual partners and couldn’t remember their names.

Excuse:

I didn’t pay enough attention to her. So even surrounded by her family, friends, and myself she still felt lonely.

2014:

  • June – Moved into Trink st
    • she was fine during this period, cleaned up after herself and was fairly normal
  • November – Took over lease

2015:

  • January – Shanni and Jamie move in
  • July – Bought Holden SV6
  • August – Trip to NZ
  • December – Her friend visits for Christmas
    • Get cats, swimming pool, Christmas tree
    • Thinking about leaving
    • Car deregistered

2016:

  • June – Lost my job
    • She forgot to set her alarm, and someone turned off mine. Like off off.
  • November – Moved house – Just us
  • December – Made redundant breakdown. Because of financial doom
    • Girlfriend starts love bombing New boyfriend

2017:

  • April – Trip to Bali
  • May – Tells me she’s leaving me because she wants to go home, doesn’t want me to come.
    • Checked her social media, haha she must have thought it was only Facebook I checked. She had written odd stuff on there that wouldn’t have made sense to him, more like they were written for me, just to hurt me. I feel like she had chosen one of the ugliest guys, whos ever been interested in her, just to hurt me. Probably not, she just realised he’s pretty desperate and will be easy to control. Imagine PedoTroll, best description I can come up with. Embarrasing for me that I had sex with someone, who had sex with someone, that looks like that. Yes, I am that shallow, sorry not sorry.
  • July – Moves to NZ

“He’s nothing like you” she said when I suggested he must be codependent like me. Else he’s a sociopath like her.

Sorry he’s into PS4, drinking and electronics. Sorry mate your fucked. You deserve her.

Haha I wanted her to clean up after herself, set some goals and budget, before planning the wedding. PedoTrolls ideas;

Step 1 Come to Melbourne

Step 2 Have sex with me

Step 3 step 2 again

She’d told me she cheated on her ex with 6 different guys, because wait for it, he was abusive and never wanted to go out and do anything. HE HAD AGORAPHOBIA!! and only ever got angry at her over the abortion.

From the very beginning, she knew I drank a lot and had a problem with anxiety and depression, I made my needs clear. She drank just as much as me. She was unhappy, she tried to compensate by overeating and shopping for clothes. Oh, also chatting up multiple other men. Sex made her happy.

When I left for Australia I specifically mentioned mess and cheating. She agreed to make an effort. I didn’t realize that meant making an effort to get worse and make me live under some of the worst conditions I’ve ever seen. And also treat me with a complete lack of respect.

Anytime I had an opinion on anything to do with the home life I was always shot down, given the silent treatment and passive aggressively abused. If I had said anything about any issue or asked for anything it was always either forgotten about, done poorly, or the issue was made worse.

I know she didn’t forget to open my mail. Else why would she open some things, like the engagement ring, put in on and take photos with it and some she opened and threw away?
Reregistering my car cost around 1600 all up.

She knew how much effort I put into our lawn. When I asked her to mow it for me, the only time in two years she did, she mowed over the pop-up sprinkler, so they were on, and it is located right next to the fence, so extremely hard to do by accident.

She always went on about how I didn’t remember the names of her workmates or minute details about her job, she knew nothing about my job, she knew none of their names and she didn’t really understand what I did. Even though we’d spoken for hours about it.

I wanted a real Christmas tree, she wanted a fake one. End of conversation, so I return home to a fake tree. The decorations were terrible, not anything like what I would have chosen.

I asked her to keep my side of the room tidy, just for me. So she filled it with shoes, bags, and dirty laundry.

I asked her not to speak to anyone she’d had sex with in the past, and no more online sex. She promised, a promise means everything to me. So I looked at her social media maybe 6 times over those 3 years, extremely hurt to find she’s still talking to guys she loved but were unavailable, and sex roleplaying sometimes more than 10 guys at a time.

There was no foreplay from her, anytime I asked, she would do things I didn’t like, I would have to ask her to please stop. Eventually, I stopped asking for, or initiating foreplay, sometimes it was quite painful

Instead of asking for sex, she would sit there and play with herself while I was distracted, doing things like playing PS4, which she knew I did when we started dating. The few times she asked for something while I was playing, I stopped what I was doing.

She didn’t even mention to me getting a pool or where she would put it. So destroyed half of the lawn I’d spent around $600 and multiple days off restoring.

She blamed everyone, for anything you can possibly imagine. Those aren’t my dishes, those aren’t my dirty clothes, that isn’t my food on the floor. I thought she was nuts.

She stopeed taking contraception last year. Trying to baby me up, just like her ex. Good thing I was taking steroids.

She took every opportunity to make me feel terrible like I wasn’t good enough.

Why would I stay with her? The sex was terrible. I had to remind her to have a shower because I could smell her from 3m away.

She made me affraid to go out in public with her.

She was boring. Not in the normal sense. She just didn’t give two fucks about what you had to say. And it was obvious. Everything was about her.

She was lazy. I would clean up the house before I left for work. I’d return home to cat shit, dirty dishes, food on the floor, and dirty washing left wearever it was convienient for her. She didn’t give two fucks.

In the end after blaming everything on other flatmates. After moving in together she could only blame things on me. At work she was blaming her stores failure on assistant managers and then before being performance managed out of her job, blames Australia. “Oh shit time to gap it back to NZ. Before I have to accept the reality that I’m responsible for my own life.”

The cruelty of the smile.

Made me think I was crazy.

Lied to her friends and family about why she was returning. Told them I was an abusive alcoholic, and she’d met someone amazing. lol. She drinks just as much as I do. And I’ve never abused her. Ahh he’s exactly like me but uglier. Like scarily similar. Pretty much a dopple ganger,.. but uglier. All the same hobbies, it’s crazy. Interested in ALL the same things. Just WOW. To say on social media that you’d met your soul mate two weeks after leaving your fiance. Haha, shes crazy. That is crazy. To admit cheating on your partner on social media is crazy. Just WOW. Love of her life, soul mate. This guy must be an idiot.

She can’t even feed a cat. Or clean up a cats poo. What are her children going to end up like? I’m hoping they’ll be taken away. At least they won’t be mine.

The only reason she could come up with was, “I was lonely”, sorry for only being available 24/7. She said she felt like she couldn’t talk to me. Haha everything she said to this other guy, was a lie. Ahh yea if you’d lied to me, I would have known. So she couldn’t really talk to me.

All she’s looking for is D and money. Now she’s home, she’s got D and her Dad provides the money. She can continue the lie, and make everyone believe it was all my fault.

If PedoTroll hadn’t said such nasty things about me, I’d be worried about him. If she treated him half as bad as she treated me, he’d be a guaranteed suicide. Considering the lengths she goes to, to try and ruin your life, has been getting more cruel with time. And the fact that PedoTroll has stolen(sorry he was manipulated into that by her, but still, bro code!!, Oh lol, that doesn’t exist in his home country) someone’s fiancee, and agreed to father her children. Lol they’re both bat shit crazy.

( She had posted on her Instagram about her goal of having children in 18 months; after she’d ended it with me(posted May 20th). That gives her enough time in a new job to get maternity leave… I’m not making this shit up!!)

 

Rants

Fuck you men’s clothing!!

Why is it so hard to find men’s pants in primary colours!!! So effin annoyed hunting for literally hours for a decent price point, feel like I should start my own effin clothing brand f you ASOS. F you jayjays for not selling them anymore. What is wrong with the world!!

Personal Growth

House of Poo

 

download (1).jpg

I’ll start with an excerpt from Wikipedia:

“After days of wandering, they follow a beautiful white bird to a clearing in the woods, and discover a large cottage built of gingerbreadcakescandy and with window panes of clear sugar.”

However, my story is not nearly as pleasant.

December 2015:

“Surprise, look I got a kitten.”

“I thought I said NO CATS!”

“But I get lonely when you’re away”

I don’t know if I could have been more hurt and disappointed, by and with someone then I was at that moment. Our flatmates got one too.

Six reasons:

  • A very strong history of lack of regard for an animal’s welfare.
  • A lack of knowledge of the responsibilities of pet ownership.
  • I’m allergic to cats.
  • Our lease stated NO ANIMALS.
  • Cats live a long time; who knows where we’ll be in that time.
  • I specifically said “NO CATS”

Who surprises you with something you least wanted, and thinks that’s ok?

I am amenable to compromise. It would have been nice to have a discussion about it. And have a say in the choice of cat. I certainly would not choose one of the most unaffectionate cats I’ve ever dealt with.

I said, “OK, but get her fixed and registered.”

Approx 10 months later:

Not only were the cats not neutered, litter boxes were constanly not emptied, and there was effin shit behind all the furniture. I said “I didn’t want a cat’s.” I even sent links to articles about training cats to use a litter box.

I admit I did have high expectations.

download (2).jpg

But I would have settled for less.

How surprising, cats don’t like to use a litter box that already has 5 shits in it!

There was a refusal to do anything about it. In their eyes; “it wasn’t our cat’s poo.”

I was drinking every day on break, just a dozen beers, not a huge amount for a FIFO worker.

So our cat then had two kittens, we got one, my sister got one. I certainly wouldn’t have picked this cat. If I did, all of a sudden, think I wanted another one.

This cat man!! Shitting on furniture, shitting by the front door, shitting in our room. Everytime I flew home from work the stench would make me gag. I was so upset.

Again, “it wasn’t our cat’s poo.”

I found myself living in a literal “house of poo.”

In summer, in Perth, where the max temperature was 40 degrees Celsius. I think the term; poo factory, would have been a better description.

The drinking got worse.

We moved out, same thing different house except there was no one else to blame now.

I should add here that due to certain treatment the cats did not like i.e being hit, kicked, pushed off laps, or not being fed for days at a time; I saw it, and fed them when I was home; they were hardly ever home. So it didn’t make sense to me that I would come home to 2-5 hard shits stuck to the floor. That would mean they’ve been there the whole time I was away at work.

My sister stopped visiting, after one day coming inside and seeing two hard shits stuck to the floor, in the kitchen. So that would mean you’d have to be stepping over them every night when you make dinner.

The drinking got worse. I wasn’t drinking everyday, but when I was it would be 3 bottles of wine. The anxiety and depression was getting worse.

Every week, I would bring up the house being clean when I got home.

Every couple months the same conversation, a heated outburst of anger and resentment from me:

“I cannot live in a house of poo.”

“I cannot justify taking on your responsibility.”

I began to drink excessively. To the point of blacking out. I could’ve just taken sleeping pills, I could have taken the cat to cat haven, I could have hung myself. I could have…., I could have, All of these options I thought of.

I should have ended it.

After 2.5 years, I’d had enough, things weren’t going to change.

Luckily for me, they ended it, or else I would have killed myself. That’s the truth of it.

The lesson:

In a relationship, if you notice that something you do harms the other person, or are told just how much you’ve hurt the other person. If the relationship is to survive, these issues need to be sorted.

Going forward:

I now come home from work to a clean house free of poo. Just as clean as I left it.

My brother lives with me now. He works full time in a stressful customer service role and manages to clean up after himself. If the cat does happen to pop by he will feed her, and clean up her poo.

I rarely drink these days, I remind myself alcohol is a poison.

I have to figure why, why I would let another person treat me this way and still say “I love you” to them everyday.

I’ve started this blog, as a commitment to personal growth and to fill my time with awesome adventures.